Trump to Launch New Reality Show

There has been plenty of fallout in the wake of the President’s Saturday morning Twitter storm, which rained unfounded accusations of government misconduct.  The reaction has been overwhelmingly negative as the 45th President’s approval ratings continue to slide.  Trump, being an opportunist, has found a way to capitalize on this self-induced disaster.

The President has been working around the clock to exploit one of the power’s of the office that he was not aware of before hearing hours of analysis on his crazy tweets: he has the ability to declassify any information that he wants.  Trump issued the following statement this morning, “We now have the remarkable ability to declassify any secrets that we would like. This is something that no other President has ever been powerful enough to do, and something that is going to be TREMENDOUS for my ratings and for the safety of the American People!”

The program will not be picked up by any traditional media outlets.  Instead, “Breitbart Television”, which is being launched in conjunction with the new show, will be streaming the show on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday from 6pm – 10pm.  The President will also do what he is calling “tweetlecast”, a live and constant feed of tweets from the President about how awesome each episode is.  The initial order is for 120 episodes.  This is going to be the President’s primary focus for the next two to three years.  Some of the early topics are set.  Here’s what we know:

 

  • Episode 1:  “Area 51 – WTF?  Aliens or Martians?”
  • Episode 2:  “Ted Cruz’s Dad DID Kill JFK!”
  • Episode 3:  “More Hidden Gold?  Fort Knox or Mar-a-lago?”
  • Episode 4:  “The Holocaust – Not as Bad as you Think”
  • Episode 5:  “Frederick Douglass – Still Alive and Doing Great Things!”

There does seem to be a renewed sense of optimism today throughout Washington, as lawmakers are confident that while this show may be detrimental to American security, it’s not quite as dangerous as a bored Donald Trump.  We hope they are right.

 

Panic at The White House!!! Officials Fear Hack.

Breaking news out of Washington D.C. this morning, as White House officials fear that President Trump’s Twitter account has been hacked.  The events related to the alleged hack began yesterday, around 2:30 p.m., after staffers noticed a tweet from the President that sounded uncharacteristically sane.  The tweet was addressing the erroneous claim that the President had made before regarding a terror attack in Sweden.  Trump’s tweet read,

“My statement as to what’s happening in Sweden was in reference to a story that was broadcast on @FoxNews concerning immigrants & Sweden.”

This tweet immediately raised suspicion among cabinet members due to the lack of venom or denial within the tweet.  While the 140 (or less) character statement stops short of saying “my bad” or “oops”, it still represents a major departure from the real @POTUS’ “tweet tone”.  The panic has continue to escalate as the President has been golfing and/or napping since 2 p.m. yesterday (about the time that the tweet went live) and has been unavailable to confirm or deny his authorship.

One of Trump’s top officials did comment, but only under the condition of anonymity (Sean Spicer).  “We’re all scared shitless over here.  If the President didn’t tweet that, we’re all fucked.  Me, Spicer, Miller… all of us!” (We believe that Spicer used “Me” and then “Spicer” to make it look as if he wasn’t the one who gave us the comment).  Spicer added, “I just don’t have a good feeling about this.  That tweet was actually dealing in reality and not his [Trump] fantasy land.  He might kill us all!”