Reports are surfacing out of Washington that indicate President Trump is on the verge of green lighting a controversial proposal to have the internet installed in the White House. This won’t be the first time that this space aged, high risk to low reward technology has been used in the Presidential home office. George H.W. Bush was the first President to utilize a high tech interchange know as electronic mail or, simply ‘e-mail’, in 1992. Two years later, the Clinton administration oversaw the White House’s first ‘website’.
Trump has been reluctant to approve the technology due to the ‘availability of fake facts that we don’t accept in our administration’ as well as the potential for ‘an influx of porno and values that aren’t for people who love our country and our beliefs’. Despite these risks, the President will be online by the end of the day.
A source inside of the White House has indicated that Trump also intends to introduce his staff to an ancient technique known as ‘research’ later this week. For those who are unfamiliar, research is:
the systematic investigation into and study of materials and sources in order to establish facts and reach new conclusions.
One might ask why the White House would implement an experimental technique that some compare to voodoo. According to our source, “I don’t know if anybody has noticed yet, but there are a lot of dumb fucks in this building at the moment,” describing the White House staff. “We are currently using a set of 1989 Funk & Wagnalls Encyclopedias that we found in the basement. They were in great condition. Anything after 1989 we’ve just been making up and we think that people are catching on. That’s why we’re getting the internet. Well, that and porn. We’re all very excited about the porn.” Who doesn’t like porn?