Positive Jobs Report Somewhat Misleading

The February jobs report was just released and, at first glance, it appears very positive.  New jobs exceeded expectations by about 45,000 – a very nice figure for President Trumps first full month in office.  Even with the 235,000 new jobs added, economic analysts are advising the public to temper their enthusiasm.

Joe Rigby, a veteran Economic and Workforce adviser, explains, “Yes, there were a lot of jobs added in February, which is good, but most of the new positions were border patrol agents.  Actually, all but 4 of the 235,000 jobs created were border patrol jobs.”

This raises some concerns from both parties in Congress since there hasn’t been any approved budgets to pay for the new employees.  The White House says don’t worry.  Sean Spicer spoke to the media today and was asked how the President planned on paying for the new positions.  Spicer’s answer should be shocking to us, but at this point, nothing surprises us with this administration.  “It simple, fools.  The President has filled 234,996 border patrol positions which is 10% of his overall goal.  The best part about the new border workforce is that the President says that Mexico is going to pay them for us.”

If this is true, it would be the first time in the history of civilization that one country paid another country’s citizens to keep their own citizens in their country.

Ben Carson Wakes from 51 Year Walking, Talking Coma

Washington D.C.- Doctors and staff at George Washington Medical Center were totally shocked today when Ben Carson suddenly snapped out of a “waking” coma that he has been in for over half a century. Dr. Chan Holsem, leading physician on the Carson case, said it was nothing short of a miracle. He went on to explain that Dr. Carson (current head of the Housing and Urban Development Department) had been in a sort of sleep walking and talking, clinical coma ever since his brain was traumatized during a knife fight that he was in at the age of fourteen in 1965. Today he suddenly woke up.

This prolonged state of deep unconsciousness explains Ben Carson’s lethargy and frequent comments that could only come from a person who is either sleeping or in a total dissociative state, which Dr. Carson was until early this afternoon. Observers who were there at the moment he came to reported that when he became responsive clinicians asked him who the President is and a ,newly animated, Ben Carson responded “Lyndon Johnson of course.” He was apparently very impressed with himself to learn that he had completed Medical School and performed countless brain surgeries while in this trance-like state.

He later became visibly shaken to learn that Donald Trump was now President of the Untied States and he then began weeping and shaking when he learned that he was actually the new head of H.U.D, cradling his head in his hands and repeating over and over again “But I’m not qualified, But I’m not qualified.” He was even more rattled when he watched recent clips of himself making comments alluding to African salves brought to the U.S. as ‘Immigrants that had to try even harder than most’. He simply shouted, “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!” and slipped back into an unresponsive state.

 

 

EXCLUSIVE: Intelligence Report Concludes “Russia, All Up In U.S. Election”

The Daily Fabricator has just received information from a high ranking intelligence officer regarding the results of a 3 month long investigation into Russia’s involvement in the 2016 election and possible collusion with the Trump campaign.  The probe has concluded that Russia was “All up in the U.S. election” and that the Trump campaign served as a major co-conspirator.

“This was a highly organized breach of our election,” according to our source.  “You basically have the Trump campaign serving as the main shaft for communications and also orchestrating the more grass root level ‘foot soldiers’ via two large satellite orbs led by Jeff Sessions and Steve Bannon.”

Those orbs are shown in our infographic.  The small, squiggly lines (which we will refer to as “short and curlies”) represent lower level communications, while the flesh toned areas represent the high level, or primary communications.  Trump served as the anchor, or base, of the shaft while Putin was the head of the operation.  Jared Kushner and Michael Flynn were also involved, acting as liaisons between the primary and secondary channels.

Our source, who has asked to remain anonymous, summed up this shocking revelation by saying, “It’s really alarming that Russia could penetrate our election like that.  I mean, we’re talking DEEP penetration and GIRTHY channels of data exchanged.”

We now wait for the fallout.  Stay tuned.

 

 

Trump Looks to Make Deal with Congressional Republicans, Begins Twitter Assault

For eight long years, Republicans have been promising the American people that they would “Repeal and Replace” Obamacare.  This week, the House Republicans unveiled their attempt at a healthcare reform bill which has been met with great opposition within their own party.

No need to worry, though.  After all, this is what Donald Trump was elected for.  The guy makes deals and many conservatives still need to be sold on the American Healthcare Act.  With opposition coming from both directions; the Tea Party faction saying the bill is essentially a revised version of Obamacare, while the more independent Republicans aren’t ready to eliminate Medicaid expansion, Trump finds himself in a very familiar and comfortable position – a deal maker ready to make a deal.

He sits down in front of his computer and logs in to Twitter.  He’s armed only with a list of his congressional critics, his pent up anger, and the self control of a 4 year old.  The first 44 Presidents of our country would probably extend an olive branch to the naysayers in an effort to persuade them.  Not 45.  He deals with personal attacks directed at his target’s soft spot, without any regard for truth or consequences.

Trump fires twitter bullets at six of his most vocal critics.  They hit their marks.  Homosexual sexting scandals directed at Lindsay Graham.  POW jabs taken at McCain.  Rand Paul is blackmailed with a secret Mexican grand baby.  Trump keeps punching, with the stamina and heart of a 34 year old Evander Holyfield, who was known as “The Real Deal”.  Trump is known for the “Art of the Deal” and he is painting his masterpiece.

Whether or not a deal gets done is yet to be seen, but after the barrage of insults strategically hurled at his prospects, it’s hard to imagine that this doesn’t result in a done deal.

 

BREAKING NEWS: Damning New Evidence Supports Trump’s Wire Tap Claim

After two days of silence or deflection, the White House eagerly called a mid-morning press conference to disclose what they are calling, “all the proof anyone should ever need” in connecting President Obama to the alleged wire tapping of then Presidential candidate, Donald Trump.

Press Secretary, Sean Spicer, strutted to his podium with a renewed swagger and a photograph that was blown up to poster size so the entire press corp could get a good look.  “Ha ha!  We told you mother fuckers!!!” an excited Spicer proclaimed.  He then continued, “this picture shows the contents of a drawer from the President’s desk.  The President opened this drawer for the first time on Friday, before leaving for Florida.”

The drawer appears to be a Presidential junk drawer, used by all three previous Commander-in-Chiefs.  The space was subdivided into 3 compartments, each labeled with a specific president.  The contents included:

  • Clinton space:  About two dozen expired condoms
  • W. Bush space:  A Conway Twitty cassette
  • Obama space:  A sticky note that reads, “Wire Tap Trump”, and is signed “Obama”

It appears that this case is officially closed.  Obama has declined to comment.

Trump to Launch New Reality Show

There has been plenty of fallout in the wake of the President’s Saturday morning Twitter storm, which rained unfounded accusations of government misconduct.  The reaction has been overwhelmingly negative as the 45th President’s approval ratings continue to slide.  Trump, being an opportunist, has found a way to capitalize on this self-induced disaster.

The President has been working around the clock to exploit one of the power’s of the office that he was not aware of before hearing hours of analysis on his crazy tweets: he has the ability to declassify any information that he wants.  Trump issued the following statement this morning, “We now have the remarkable ability to declassify any secrets that we would like. This is something that no other President has ever been powerful enough to do, and something that is going to be TREMENDOUS for my ratings and for the safety of the American People!”

The program will not be picked up by any traditional media outlets.  Instead, “Breitbart Television”, which is being launched in conjunction with the new show, will be streaming the show on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday from 6pm – 10pm.  The President will also do what he is calling “tweetlecast”, a live and constant feed of tweets from the President about how awesome each episode is.  The initial order is for 120 episodes.  This is going to be the President’s primary focus for the next two to three years.  Some of the early topics are set.  Here’s what we know:

 

  • Episode 1:  “Area 51 – WTF?  Aliens or Martians?”
  • Episode 2:  “Ted Cruz’s Dad DID Kill JFK!”
  • Episode 3:  “More Hidden Gold?  Fort Knox or Mar-a-lago?”
  • Episode 4:  “The Holocaust – Not as Bad as you Think”
  • Episode 5:  “Frederick Douglass – Still Alive and Doing Great Things!”

There does seem to be a renewed sense of optimism today throughout Washington, as lawmakers are confident that while this show may be detrimental to American security, it’s not quite as dangerous as a bored Donald Trump.  We hope they are right.

 

New Travel Ban Expected Today – Draft Already Leaked

There has been a lot of speculation surrounding the “Muslim Travel Ban – Part 2”.  Today was widely believed to be the day that the President would unveil the results of his Muslim mulligan.  Unfortunately for the administration, Trump won’t be the one doing the honors.

Earlier this morning, a document that appears to be the second revision of the travel ban has surfaced.  The Daily Fabricator has been able to confirm the authenticity of this document with multiple sources within the administration.  This is the real deal.

While the Trump administration must be disappointed in yet another critical leak, they should also be very happy at the early reception of the document.  Conservative lawmakers are smitten.  “It holds up with any government document that I’ve ever seen,” says Senator Rand Paul, who continued, “In terms of simplicity, this is the apex.  This is the kind of legislation that we would all love to draft, but very few of us have the mental capacity to actually execute.”  Paul Ryan also nearly cummed his pants when he got his first peek at the document, which appears to be penned in crayon.  “The X-mas bonus clause is a really great example of two things: one, the President’s understanding of negotiating from a position of power and using leverage.  And two, the use of the word “x-mas” instead of “Christmas” pretty much eliminates any claims of the order being motivated by religion.”

Despite all of the excitement, we are also beginning to receive reports that multiple Federal Courts are considering putting a stop on the document even though it hasn’t been officially signed into law yet.  A representative from the courts explains, “We’ve never put a stop on a leaked document, but we’ve also never seen anything quite this fucking stupid.”

We will keep you updated as we receive new information.

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