The Daily Fabricator has just received information from a high ranking intelligence officer regarding the results of a 3 month long investigation into Russia’s involvement in the 2016 election and possible collusion with the Trump campaign. The probe has concluded that Russia was “All up in the U.S. election” and that the Trump campaign served as a major co-conspirator.
“This was a highly organized breach of our election,” according to our source. “You basically have the Trump campaign serving as the main shaft for communications and also orchestrating the more grass root level ‘foot soldiers’ via two large satellite orbs led by Jeff Sessions and Steve Bannon.”
Those orbs are shown in our infographic. The small, squiggly lines (which we will refer to as “short and curlies”) represent lower level communications, while the flesh toned areas represent the high level, or primary communications. Trump served as the anchor, or base, of the shaft while Putin was the head of the operation. Jared Kushner and Michael Flynn were also involved, acting as liaisons between the primary and secondary channels.
Our source, who has asked to remain anonymous, summed up this shocking revelation by saying, “It’s really alarming that Russia could penetrate our election like that. I mean, we’re talking DEEP penetration and GIRTHY channels of data exchanged.”
We now wait for the fallout. Stay tuned.
Breaking news out of Washington D.C. this morning, as White House officials fear that President Trump’s Twitter account has been hacked. The events related to the alleged hack began yesterday, around 2:30 p.m., after staffers noticed a tweet from the President that sounded uncharacteristically sane. The tweet was addressing the erroneous claim that the President had made before regarding a terror attack in Sweden. Trump’s tweet read,
“My statement as to what’s happening in Sweden was in reference to a story that was broadcast on @FoxNews concerning immigrants & Sweden.”
This tweet immediately raised suspicion among cabinet members due to the lack of venom or denial within the tweet. While the 140 (or less) character statement stops short of saying “my bad” or “oops”, it still represents a major departure from the real @POTUS’ “tweet tone”. The panic has continue to escalate as the President has been golfing and/or napping since 2 p.m. yesterday (about the time that the tweet went live) and has been unavailable to confirm or deny his authorship.
One of Trump’s top officials did comment, but only under the condition of anonymity (Sean Spicer). “We’re all scared shitless over here. If the President didn’t tweet that, we’re all fucked. Me, Spicer, Miller… all of us!” (We believe that Spicer used “Me” and then “Spicer” to make it look as if he wasn’t the one who gave us the comment). Spicer added, “I just don’t have a good feeling about this. That tweet was actually dealing in reality and not his [Trump] fantasy land. He might kill us all!”