The February jobs report was just released and, at first glance, it appears very positive. New jobs exceeded expectations by about 45,000 – a very nice figure for President Trumps first full month in office. Even with the 235,000 new jobs added, economic analysts are advising the public to temper their enthusiasm.
Joe Rigby, a veteran Economic and Workforce adviser, explains, “Yes, there were a lot of jobs added in February, which is good, but most of the new positions were border patrol agents. Actually, all but 4 of the 235,000 jobs created were border patrol jobs.”
This raises some concerns from both parties in Congress since there hasn’t been any approved budgets to pay for the new employees. The White House says don’t worry. Sean Spicer spoke to the media today and was asked how the President planned on paying for the new positions. Spicer’s answer should be shocking to us, but at this point, nothing surprises us with this administration. “It simple, fools. The President has filled 234,996 border patrol positions which is 10% of his overall goal. The best part about the new border workforce is that the President says that Mexico is going to pay them for us.”
If this is true, it would be the first time in the history of civilization that one country paid another country’s citizens to keep their own citizens in their country.
After two days of silence or deflection, the White House eagerly called a mid-morning press conference to disclose what they are calling, “all the proof anyone should ever need” in connecting President Obama to the alleged wire tapping of then Presidential candidate, Donald Trump.
Press Secretary, Sean Spicer, strutted to his podium with a renewed swagger and a photograph that was blown up to poster size so the entire press corp could get a good look. “Ha ha! We told you mother fuckers!!!” an excited Spicer proclaimed. He then continued, “this picture shows the contents of a drawer from the President’s desk. The President opened this drawer for the first time on Friday, before leaving for Florida.”
The drawer appears to be a Presidential junk drawer, used by all three previous Commander-in-Chiefs. The space was subdivided into 3 compartments, each labeled with a specific president. The contents included:
- Clinton space: About two dozen expired condoms
- W. Bush space: A Conway Twitty cassette
- Obama space: A sticky note that reads, “Wire Tap Trump”, and is signed “Obama”
It appears that this case is officially closed. Obama has declined to comment.
Reports from the White House indicate that Stephen Miller is on the verge of being dismissed from his position of Senior Adviser to the President. President Trump found out this morning that Miller was not the same Steve Miller from the 1970’s rock band “The Steve Miller Band”. This revelation reportedly made the President irate and caused him to call a special staff meeting.
It was inside that meeting when Trump confronted Miller about the mistaken identity. Trump yelled at Miller for hours, asking him, “How the fuck could this happen? I thought that you were the person who knew how to feed the babies that don’t have enough to eat and shoe the children with no shoes on their feet.” Trump continued, “house the people living in the streets. Oh yeah, there’s a solution.”
At this point, we aren’t 100% sure what that solution is, but all indicators point to Miller being forced out of the administration. When asked for comment, Sean Spicer would only offer the following statement, “Time keeps on slipping into the future. Miller needs to go on and take the money and run. whoo hoo hoo.”
The following account comes from a member of the Associated Press who was granted access to cabinet meetings today.
Donald Trump had a new swagger this afternoon as he strolled the halls of the White House, waiting for his lineup of post lunch cable news’ round-tables. The President has never been one lacking in confidence, but today, he looks especially sure of himself. As he reaches for the television remote it becomes clear why he his holding his head so high. His once puny hands are now massive and powerful paws.
Sean Spicer is the first to take notice. “Wow! Look at those fucking hands. Holy shit, you must be thrilled!” Spicer is elated. Trump is not amused. “Shut your fucking trap Spicer. My hands have always been this big. You’re just too fucking stupid to notice.” Stephen Miller quickly jumps sides with the President. “God damn Spicer. You’ve never noticed those long fingers that seem to never end?” Miller continues, “Or those big massive bear paws that strike fear in Mr. Trump’s political foes? You really are as stupid as you look.” Miller begins snickering like a child while constantly glancing at Trump for reassurance.
The team spends the next 15 minutes playing “Paper, Rock, Scissors”. It appears to be the first time Trump has played. He pays no attention to the universal truths of the classic game. Such as “rock” beats “scissors” and “paper” beats “rock”. For most of us, there isn’t any room for interpretation in these rules. Trump isn’t most of us. “What do you mean paper beats rock? Look at how little that rock is compared to this piece of poster board (referring to his hand which is pressed flat on the table).”
After the game, Trump prepares for his afternoon “Pussy-Grabbing Session”, a daily routine in this White House. Kellyanne Conway enters the room. She’s immediately stopped in her tracks as she notices the President’s new grabbing apparatuses. “Fucking-A, Pres! You’re not going to grab my puss with those meat slabs, are you?” Again, Trump is defiant and insists that his hand have always been this massive. “They’re the same tremendous hands that grab your pussy everyday.”
As the pussy-grabbing begins, the room begins to clear out. “We leave him alone during his pussy-grabbing hour,” explains Steve Bannon. “It’s a major stress reliever for him. After all, he’s got the whole world in his hands.”
Breaking news out of Washington D.C. this morning, as White House officials fear that President Trump’s Twitter account has been hacked. The events related to the alleged hack began yesterday, around 2:30 p.m., after staffers noticed a tweet from the President that sounded uncharacteristically sane. The tweet was addressing the erroneous claim that the President had made before regarding a terror attack in Sweden. Trump’s tweet read,
“My statement as to what’s happening in Sweden was in reference to a story that was broadcast on @FoxNews concerning immigrants & Sweden.”
This tweet immediately raised suspicion among cabinet members due to the lack of venom or denial within the tweet. While the 140 (or less) character statement stops short of saying “my bad” or “oops”, it still represents a major departure from the real @POTUS’ “tweet tone”. The panic has continue to escalate as the President has been golfing and/or napping since 2 p.m. yesterday (about the time that the tweet went live) and has been unavailable to confirm or deny his authorship.
One of Trump’s top officials did comment, but only under the condition of anonymity (Sean Spicer). “We’re all scared shitless over here. If the President didn’t tweet that, we’re all fucked. Me, Spicer, Miller… all of us!” (We believe that Spicer used “Me” and then “Spicer” to make it look as if he wasn’t the one who gave us the comment). Spicer added, “I just don’t have a good feeling about this. That tweet was actually dealing in reality and not his [Trump] fantasy land. He might kill us all!”
Frustration at the White House reached the tipping point earlier today, resulting in an executive order for White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer, to “shut the fuck up”, followed by a slap to the face delivered by the President. Reports indicate that the slap was so hard that it could be heard throughout the entire building. Spicer also has a freakishly small hand print on his right cheek which, presumably, came at the tiny hands of President Trump.
According to our source, tensions have been mounting throughout the administration. Another source, who wishes to remain anonymous, has told us that Trump was actually planning on sneaking up on Spicer while he stood at the podium during his daily press conference and slapping the shit out of him in front of the media and cameras.
“Trump thought it would have a bigger impact if everyone saw it, but Bannon talked him out of it,” the source continued, “The President’s tiny hands cut through the air like a bull whip. It was pretty fucking funny to watch Spicer cry like a little baby.”
Spicer and Trump both declined to comment on the event, but Trump did take to Twitter a few moments ago with the following statement, “@SeanSpicer just got bitch slapped by @POTUS. Won’t be the last time! #Grow A Pair”
Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, was prepared for a sparring match when he arrived at the White House earlier today. “I was ready to challenge the new President, philosophically, when I got here. I wasn’t ready to actually box.” Trudeau, a former Canadian boxer, was surprised to find Sean Spicer gloved up and ready to roll.
Sources are telling us that Spicer was calling the Prime Minister “Madame Trudeau” while walking around like a chicken and clucking. At one point, Spicer referred to Trudeau as the Governor of North Minnesota. That taunt proved to be enough as Trudeau quickly landed a Mike Tyson-esque left hook, sending Spicer to the marble floor of the White House.
Donald Trump watched live, while Vladimir Putin joined in via Skype. Trump says that, “an alliance with Canada is very important to my administration. They represent the quickest route to my beloved Vladimir.” Trump added, “It’s always nice to watch Spicer get his ass kicked. I just told Bannon to tea bag him while he’s knocked out.”