Nation’s Dumb Ideas Reserve Nearly Depleted

The strategic D.I.R. (Dumb Ideas Reserve), located in the Mojave Desert, is an emergency storage container of really stupid ideas that the Government can release for public consumption in an emergency situation. It was created early in 1981 as one of Reagan’s first policy initiatives in response to previous election of Jimmy Carter. Republicans had deep-seated fears that the American voting electorate could become too intelligent and decent for them to ever have any hope of a future victory similar to that of Reagan’s.

The underground stockpile of idiocy was built up to a level that, experts assumed, would take at least fifty years to burn through (nearly 700 million barrels of stupidity at its peak) It is maintained for use in the event that the natural flow of oafishness is interrupted for any reason. The cache has been tapped at certain key times over the last 30 or so years, most notably when public outcry lead to the removal of lead from gasoline and paint. This sparked a massive draw down from the D.I.R. resulting in widespread purchases of waterbeds, Crystal Pepsi, the Beanie Babie and Boy Band crazes, and ultimately culminating in the election of George W. Bush.

Sources have since confirmed that a full 20% the careful accumulation of brainlessness went directly to the 5 Supreme Court Justices that handed Bush the Presidency, as well and another 35% that went directly to the President himself. The level of unrefined buffoonery in the stockpile held steady for a while, but after an 8 year period of relative stability, under the Obama Administration, policy makers decided it was time for another major draw down in anticipation of the 2106 election cycle. Things got way out of hand leading to election of Donald Trump. Trump’s Presidential tweets, cabinet appointments, and media appearances have totally tapped the surplus of ineptitude that Republicans have long touted as being a vital part of our National Insecurity.

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Trump Delivers Speech Handcrafted for the Nation’s Reality-Challenged

Washington D.C.- Last night Donald Trump, or as he is affectionately known inside the Beltway “President Clown Face,” delivered a speech to joint session of Congress that was specifically tailored to the malinformed, unhinged, and others who generally have a very difficult time with facts and hard statistics in objective reality. Many are saying it was a victory for Trump’s truth-impaired following of lemmings.

With enthusiastic praise for the doublespeech, Senator Rand Paul (Fascist-KY) said in a statement “ Finally, we have a President who understands that America is a nation of simpletons who want to be fed a steady stream of misinformation that comports to their narrow, black and white, preconceived, prejudiced world-view.”

W.H. Chief of Staff Reince Preibus echoed Paul’s remarks noting, “After eight long years the Republican party was finally able to put someone back in the White House who is able to reaffirm and validate the millions of people in this country that are under the strong delusion that we need to spend more money on the military, rich people need more tax break to create jobs, extremist terrorist refugees are flooding into the country, illegal immigrants commit most crimes, all news unfavorable to the President is fake and so is climate change, the Earth is flat and 5,000 years old, the moon is made of green cheese, one and one equals five, and gravity is just a liberal elitist unproven theory.”

Group of Hear No Evil, See No Evil, Speak No Evil Monkeys Elect Tom Perez DNC Chair

A large gathering of 448 deaf, dumb, and blind Democratic National Committee members gathered at the Westin Peach Tree Plaza Hotel in Atlanta and in a stunning display of lack of self-awareness and self-reflection elected Tom Perez as their Chairman. Perez, who is both an Obama and Clinton Appointee and who has many ties with the corporate wing of the Democratic party, was voted in by a 54% margin of Democratic leaders who are apparently totally oblivious to the fact that they lost the last election, Trump is President, they control neither House of Congress, and have lost all but a third of the States. Incognizant of the fact that their ideas and strategies have lead to crushing defeats in the last four election cycles Democratic leaders decided to ”stay the course.

One of the heedless monkeys was on record as saying “Deb was great, she’s such a wonderful human being and she did really great things for the party, Tom Perez is going to have some big shoes to fill.” (Debbie Wasserman Shultz was forced to resign in disgrace after Wikileaks released a collection of Emails clearly showing that she rigged the primary in favor of Sec. Hillary Clinton over Sen. Bernie Sanders) Another nescient, inattentive primate in attendance, who was inexplicably given a vote in the contest, stated, “Clinton didn’t do anything wrong, no mistakes were made. If anything she should have given more speeches for Goldman Sachs. We can’t sit back and allow the other side to be the only party whose politicians are wholesale owned by corporations and Wall Street banks, we’ll never win again unless we act exactly Republicans.”