The Daily Fabricator has just received information from a high ranking intelligence officer regarding the results of a 3 month long investigation into Russia’s involvement in the 2016 election and possible collusion with the Trump campaign. The probe has concluded that Russia was “All up in the U.S. election” and that the Trump campaign served as a major co-conspirator.
“This was a highly organized breach of our election,” according to our source. “You basically have the Trump campaign serving as the main shaft for communications and also orchestrating the more grass root level ‘foot soldiers’ via two large satellite orbs led by Jeff Sessions and Steve Bannon.”
Those orbs are shown in our infographic. The small, squiggly lines (which we will refer to as “short and curlies”) represent lower level communications, while the flesh toned areas represent the high level, or primary communications. Trump served as the anchor, or base, of the shaft while Putin was the head of the operation. Jared Kushner and Michael Flynn were also involved, acting as liaisons between the primary and secondary channels.
Our source, who has asked to remain anonymous, summed up this shocking revelation by saying, “It’s really alarming that Russia could penetrate our election like that. I mean, we’re talking DEEP penetration and GIRTHY channels of data exchanged.”
We now wait for the fallout. Stay tuned.
Shocking news out of Washington this afternoon, as Federal Officials admit that President Trump is correct – Russia is actually a ruse. The Federal Government, along with the “fake news media”, have worked together for many years to create the illusion of a communist super power on the other side of the globe.
You’re probably wondering, “What about Putin?” Good question. Putin is actually a New Jersey native named Joel Goodman. He’s an investigative reporter for, you guessed it… CNN.
President Trump told Sean Spicer to fuck off and held his own awkward and confrontational “press conference” today, where he actually praised various reporters for asking him “nice easy questions”. Of course, most of the media was anxious to ask about the growing scandal involving the Trump administration’s ties to Russia. The President didn’t consider these questions “nice”. Whenever he was asked the question that he had to know was coming, Trump became impatient and hostile. At one point, he dropped a top secret security nugget on all of us. I paraphrase…
“We are a very powerful nuclear power. So is Russia. I’ve been briefed. They are powerful. Nuclear Holocaust like no other (that’s an actual quote) would be a bad thing.”
Trump then went on to lecture everyone in the room, and the people watching at home, why he shouldn’t be questioned and that his administration is doing the best job in the history of the world.
No one knows for sure which of the two nuclear powerhouses has the more girthy stockpile of atomic weapons. Putin and Trump have always been in the “size doesn’t matter” camp and neither is willing to disclose statistics.