After two days of silence or deflection, the White House eagerly called a mid-morning press conference to disclose what they are calling, “all the proof anyone should ever need” in connecting President Obama to the alleged wire tapping of then Presidential candidate, Donald Trump.
Press Secretary, Sean Spicer, strutted to his podium with a renewed swagger and a photograph that was blown up to poster size so the entire press corp could get a good look. “Ha ha! We told you mother fuckers!!!” an excited Spicer proclaimed. He then continued, “this picture shows the contents of a drawer from the President’s desk. The President opened this drawer for the first time on Friday, before leaving for Florida.”
The drawer appears to be a Presidential junk drawer, used by all three previous Commander-in-Chiefs. The space was subdivided into 3 compartments, each labeled with a specific president. The contents included:
- Clinton space: About two dozen expired condoms
- W. Bush space: A Conway Twitty cassette
- Obama space: A sticky note that reads, “Wire Tap Trump”, and is signed “Obama”
It appears that this case is officially closed. Obama has declined to comment.
The strategic D.I.R. (Dumb Ideas Reserve), located in the Mojave Desert, is an emergency storage container of really stupid ideas that the Government can release for public consumption in an emergency situation. It was created early in 1981 as one of Reagan’s first policy initiatives in response to previous election of Jimmy Carter. Republicans had deep-seated fears that the American voting electorate could become too intelligent and decent for them to ever have any hope of a future victory similar to that of Reagan’s.
The underground stockpile of idiocy was built up to a level that, experts assumed, would take at least fifty years to burn through (nearly 700 million barrels of stupidity at its peak) It is maintained for use in the event that the natural flow of oafishness is interrupted for any reason. The cache has been tapped at certain key times over the last 30 or so years, most notably when public outcry lead to the removal of lead from gasoline and paint. This sparked a massive draw down from the D.I.R. resulting in widespread purchases of waterbeds, Crystal Pepsi, the Beanie Babie and Boy Band crazes, and ultimately culminating in the election of George W. Bush.
Sources have since confirmed that a full 20% the careful accumulation of brainlessness went directly to the 5 Supreme Court Justices that handed Bush the Presidency, as well and another 35% that went directly to the President himself. The level of unrefined buffoonery in the stockpile held steady for a while, but after an 8 year period of relative stability, under the Obama Administration, policy makers decided it was time for another major draw down in anticipation of the 2106 election cycle. Things got way out of hand leading to election of Donald Trump. Trump’s Presidential tweets, cabinet appointments, and media appearances have totally tapped the surplus of ineptitude that Republicans have long touted as being a vital part of our National Insecurity.
If you are concerned about the collapse of this strategic reserve and other important issues of the day be sure to like the Daily Fabricator Page and follow us on Facebook.
It’s been nearly 36 hours since President Donald Trump put out an extremely damaging tweet directed at former President, Barack Obama. Trump claimed that Obama had tapped the phones at Trump Tower during the 2016 Presidential elections. Obama has denied this claim and people have called for Trump to provide evidence to support such a bold accusation. Trump has just released his supporting evidence: a photograph owned by Breitbart News which shows Obama AND Hillary Clinton disguised as phone men in a Trump Tower parking lot.
Spokesmen for both Obama and Clinton have released statements essentially pointing out that the two people seen in the photo are clearly NOT Obama nor Clinton. “There is a black guy and a white lady, neither of which look like Hillary or Barack. Is this some sort of fucking joke?”
At this point, we’re not sure what to make of this still developing story. We’ve sent the photo to a forensic lab to test for authenticity.
Breaking News out of Palm Beach, Florida where authorities have confirmed that radio personality Rush Limbaugh was found dead in his broadcasting studio after he suffered a shattered skull as result of excessive internal pressure. According witnesses, and those listening to the broadcast at the time, he had just come upon a USA Today Article detailing a C-SPAN Poll of historians who ranked Barrack Obama as the 12th best President in U.S. History.
As he read the title of the article aloud one of his long time producers noticed his eyes began twitching uncontrollably. He began the rant that followed by saying “Well this is just a case of Obama getting everything he wants because he’s black and he gets all the perks of black privilege. We all know he’s stocked all the historians with NAACP fanatics. “ As his volume increased his neck and head began to swell to roughly double its already double size. “Notice how this liberal propagandist poll doesn’t even include President Jefferson Davis at all, when anyone who listens to this show knows Davis was on the most genius human beings to ever live, next to Steve Bannon, and he didn’t even make the list.”
He then reached into a sugar bowl, grabbed a handful of oxycodone and hydrocodone pills and swallowed them down between sentences. He continued, “If this were a real poll done by real historians who knew what the hell they were talking about Ronald Reagan would have easily been numbers 1-15, they would have mentioned at least some of the white Presidents (The Daily Fabricator has confirmed that all of the other Presidents on the list are or were white) ”
By this point one of Limbaugh’s eyeballs had already popped out his head and the empty socket was making a whistling sound causing feed back interference in his sound equipment. His final words were “He’s only been in office a month and already Mein Fuhrer Trump…” As he was speaking them, uncontainable building tension caused the violent detonation of his entire cranium. Funeral arrangements are currently being made and sources have confirmed that a local piano moving company was contacted to assist with pall bearing.
The Daily Fabricator had the privilege of conducting the first candid interview with former President Barack Obama since he left the office just over one month ago.
Barack Obama. The first black President of the United States. I man who, over his eight years as leader of the freeworld, became known for his stoic demeanor and poise. A leader who kept his cool in the face of adversity. There are plenty of Americans who would love to argue his politics, but none that can make a legitimate complaint regarding his class (this becomes more evident each day of the new administration).
But that’s not the man sitting in front of me today. It appears that man was left in Washington. The Obama that I sit with is much more relaxed, less rehearsed, and a little more unpredictable.
“What’s up, mother fucker?” Obama greets me with a high five. “How the fuck you been?” He continues, “Yo, Michelle, get this mother fucker some hot fries and a drank.” We exchange pleasantries for a few minutes, and then I ask Obama what’s the best part of not being President anymore? He answers without a second of hesitation, “Man, I’m happy to get to do black people shit again. You know what I mean?” I sit and silently shake my head no. “Yeah you do,” the former President replies to my nod and then continues, “shit like going to barbecues, driving badly (but not as bad as Asians), showing up 20 minutes late, going to Earth, Wind & Fire concerts. Shit like that.”
The President is jovial in his responses as we rap for hours on subjects ranging from the new Eazy-E Greatest Hits album to the age old debate of original recipe vs. extra crispy. The day slips away from us, our only measurement of time is the expanding pile of empty Old English 40oz bottles.
“Fuck, you better get your white ass out of here. It’s getting late.” Obama extends his hand to offer me a final shake. As I move in, he quickly pulls his hand back then laughs at me and tells me to, “Get the fuck on”. Sure thing, Mr. President.
Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R- Wis.) in a joint press conference with President Trump announced from the Rose Garden at the White House the roll out of their plan to replace the Affordable Health Care Act (A.C.A.) with a new legislative proposal called the Faith Healing Act (F.H.A.) a.k.a. Trump Care. Trump joking with a group of confused reporters said, “I know you probably thought FHA stood for fabulous hair awesome, cause it’s true I do have fabulous hair, people love it,” but then later stated “it’s the new health care law I guess, at least that’s what they told me.”
Trump assured the American people that they were “going to love it, it’s the best, everyone will be healed, probably instantly.” He went on to say “it’s totally free and very simple, not thousands of pages of pages like Obamacare nobody could understand it so many words, with the new law you just show up to certain churches, make a contribution to my 2020 campaign fund and you will be healed by God. I love miracles!”
Ryan, who is considered the Republican party’s conscience and top intellectual, was pressed for more specific policies contained in the proposal. When asked what would happen should the miraculous healings fail to manifest and cure serious illnesses such as diabetes, heart disease and cancer, he replied “it’s all there in the three page bill, we’ve thought very seriously about this and have been working on it for the last 7 years. I don’t see how anything could go wrong with the healings, but just in case we’ve provided a back up. The churches would be encouraged to hold a bake sale for old-fashioned, more traditional treatments like chemotherapy and pharmaceutical drugs.
Ryan went on to explain the measure would eliminate the “onerous ban on lifetime caps, unpopular subsidies to help low-income people buy health insurance, and the dangerous provision that allows dependents to stay on their parent’s policies up to the age of 26.” Trumpcare would also roll back the Medicaid expansion and instead every citizen would receive a Faith Healing Kit containing a civil war era tourniquet, two aspirins, a jar of fresh leeches, and a small piece of walrus tusk.