Less than 12 hours ago, the New England Patriots completed the biggest comeback in Super Bowl history, overcoming a 25 point 3rd quarter deficit, ripping the Lombardi Trophy from the hands of NFL MVP, Matt Ryan and the rest of the Atlanta Falcons.
“It was like a different team came out of the tunnel for the second half,” explained Ryan. “Their team, especially Tom [Brady] seemed… almost lighter, less tense. I don’t know. He was playing almost like someone had just sucked his dick.”
New details are emerging from the typically tight-lipped Patriots’ camp regarding the half time message delivered by Coach Bill Belichick. “He really didn’t say much,” according to tight end Rob Gronkowski. “He told the team that we looked like shit and then asked Tom to go see the President back in the equipment room.” Apparently, President Trump landed in Houston shortly before halftime to give the Patriots a lift for the second half of the game.
We contacted the White House for confirmation. They responded with this statement, “President Trump has always been a winner. He loves everything about victory. He likes to see it, smell it, and especially taste it. Tom Brady is a champion. The President was eager to taste his brand of winning and feels that the best way to taste a man’s victory is straight from the spigot.”
There has been much speculation concerning Brady and Belichick’s support for the incompetent Commander and Chief. Belichick, who is famous for offering very little to the press, explained, “Of course we support him [Trump]. He gives our QB blow jobs. I won’t do that. Winning isn’t that important.”
Perhaps that’s why Belichick’s name is prefixed with “Coach” and not “President”.
At first glance Jay Snellgrove, Donny Grant & Phil Woodward look like your typical white supremacists. The three young men typically wear either a classic white klan robe or black neo-nazi casual wear. They spend their time talking about segregation and racial purity. All very typical behaviors for skin heads. It’s not until you hear the hateful trio break out into song that you understand that these guys are special.
On stage, they call themselves “Pure White” and their albums are proving to be pure gold. Their latest effort is a 13 track rhythm & blues masterpiece called “Long Hard Knights” that delivers track after track of libido pumping tunes. Their first single off the album, “White Lies”, cracked the R&B Top 40 Chart in it’s first week and is expected to gain multiple spots this week. “We really didn’t expect this kind of response. We’re very happy that people like it, but it’s kind of bitter sweet because most of our fans are black now,” explained Jay Snellgrove, the lead vocalist. Donny Grant added, “Yeah. It’s kind of fucked up when you really think about it.”
As awkward as the situation sounds, a few songs on the album suggest that this isn’t the first time the boys have dabbled in racial mixing. “The Mulatto Baby We Never Planned For” is a tear-jerking tale written by Phil Woodward. When asked about the meaning of the song, Phil said “Well, it’s about a mulatto baby that I never planned on having.” Another track titled, “Shhhh! Don’t Tell Mama I Rubbed Your Black Booty” tells a story of a modern day, interracial Romeo & Juliet. This is the tune that’s most likely to make the robes hit the floor.
By now, you’re probably aware of the conversation between Billy Bush and Donald Trump, in which Trump stated, “Grab the pussy. You can do anything.” If you were like me, when you read that quote for the first time, you cringed a little, thought to yourself, “what a creep”, and moved on. John Jordan has a different reaction; a sinister laugh, followed by tears and uncontrollable sobbing. Jordan doesn’t view this as a singular tasteless comment, he sees it as the initial symptom of a condition that is hard to shake. He should know. John Jordan is also a pussy-grabber. At least that’s where he got his start.
“It’s inevitable, man. You’re out having a good time, you figure, ‘what the hell. I’m gonna grab a pussy.’ Next thing you know, you’re in your car trying to find a place where you can choke a chicken.” Jordan’s eyes look glassy and cold as he recalls haunting events from his past. “Hell, I’ve even spanked a god-damned monkey before. Can you believe that? Who the fuck does that. Terrible. Just terrible.” You can almost sense a tangible weight being lifted off of the 52 year old’s shoulders. He’s ready to put it all out there. “Listen to me, man. I’ve even heard of sick fucks going around looking for dolphins to flog. I’ve never done it. I’ve only heard about it.”
Jordan warns Donald Trump of what he refers to as “the most slipperiest path I’ve ever gone down. Covered with all sorts of oils and lubes. It’s slippery as a mother fucker.” Jordan says he grabbed his first pussy when he was 17 years old. He’s been a troubled human being ever since. It’s not all doom and gloom, however, as Jordan is very thankful that he was able to regain control before doing the unthinkable. “It doesn’t always end with the animals; you know the pussies, chickens, monkeys and dolphins. I’ve been told that one guy actually went as far as punching the one eyed clown. Sick mother fucker.”
Donald Trump promised the people a wall. Now, he’s ready to deliver on that promise. Today, Trump unveiled his plan to erect a wall spanning the length of the southern border in under a month and a new tax that will ensure the Mexicans are the ones paying for it.
Trump met with GM officials early yesterday morning to inform them that they will begin producing the El Camino again for the model year 2018. The El Caminos will carry a 47% sales tax, all of which will go to funding the wall. GM’s top designer, Lance Bowen, spoke to reporters about the new El Camino and the possibility of working directly with Mr.
Trump. “The El Camino is really cool, especially if you are Mexican.” Bowen added, “I won’t be working with the President on this. He’s taken sole ownership of the design process after deciding my version of the car was the ‘Chipotle of El Caminos – NOT REALLY MEXICAN!’
Trump didn’t wait around for Congress to propose the plan in a bill and vote on it. Instead, he took to his computer and, for the first time ever, tweeted an executive order in under 140 characters. Trump’s tweet read as follows, “Ola. Wall is coming. Mex is paying. GM building sexy new El Camino. Only Mexicans allowed to buy. That’s an order!”
Mexican leadership is not happy about this ruling and vows to fight until the bitter end. Mexican Americans (legal and illegal), however, were overcome with joy upon hearing that the El Camino would be back in production. Jose Gomez (pictured above) was in tears when he got the news. “I cannot tell you how excited we are about the El Camino making a comeback. For years, we have had to live in a world with no new El Caminos. That is no world to bring children into. Thank you, Mr. Trump!”