There has been a lot of speculation surrounding the “Muslim Travel Ban – Part 2”. Today was widely believed to be the day that the President would unveil the results of his Muslim mulligan. Unfortunately for the administration, Trump won’t be the one doing the honors.
Earlier this morning, a document that appears to be the second revision of the travel ban has surfaced. The Daily Fabricator has been able to confirm the authenticity of this document with multiple sources within the administration. This is the real deal.
While the Trump administration must be disappointed in yet another critical leak, they should also be very happy at the early reception of the document. Conservative lawmakers are smitten. “It holds up with any government document that I’ve ever seen,” says Senator Rand Paul, who continued, “In terms of simplicity, this is the apex. This is the kind of legislation that we would all love to draft, but very few of us have the mental capacity to actually execute.” Paul Ryan also nearly cummed his pants when he got his first peek at the document, which appears to be penned in crayon. “The X-mas bonus clause is a really great example of two things: one, the President’s understanding of negotiating from a position of power and using leverage. And two, the use of the word “x-mas” instead of “Christmas” pretty much eliminates any claims of the order being motivated by religion.”
Despite all of the excitement, we are also beginning to receive reports that multiple Federal Courts are considering putting a stop on the document even though it hasn’t been officially signed into law yet. A representative from the courts explains, “We’ve never put a stop on a leaked document, but we’ve also never seen anything quite this fucking stupid.”
We will keep you updated as we receive new information.
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It’s been nearly 36 hours since President Donald Trump put out an extremely damaging tweet directed at former President, Barack Obama. Trump claimed that Obama had tapped the phones at Trump Tower during the 2016 Presidential elections. Obama has denied this claim and people have called for Trump to provide evidence to support such a bold accusation. Trump has just released his supporting evidence: a photograph owned by Breitbart News which shows Obama AND Hillary Clinton disguised as phone men in a Trump Tower parking lot.
Spokesmen for both Obama and Clinton have released statements essentially pointing out that the two people seen in the photo are clearly NOT Obama nor Clinton. “There is a black guy and a white lady, neither of which look like Hillary or Barack. Is this some sort of fucking joke?”
At this point, we’re not sure what to make of this still developing story. We’ve sent the photo to a forensic lab to test for authenticity.
Attorney General Jeff Sessions spent most of last night denying claims of any wrong doing as it relates to his 2016 contacts with Russian officials. Sessions, who was one of the first elected officials to jump on the “Trump Train”, has acknowledged a closed door meeting that he had with a Russian ambassador in 2016, just weeks after it was revealed that Russia had hacked Hilary Clinton’s email.
The Daily Fabricator has just learned that Sessions’ ties to Russia do not end there. We have spoken to multiple sources that are reporting that Sessions spent “a lot of time in Russia back in the 1980’s.” The source continued, “most of that time was spent with Ivan Drago.” We have confirmed that Jeff Sessions actually served as Drago’s “cutman” (the person responsible for treating and preventing injuries to a boxer during a fight) from 1982 through 1986. This includes Drago’s fight with American icon Apollo Creed. Ultimately, that would be Creed’s last match as he died at the hands of the Russian.
Drago and Sessions went on make millions off of the American blood shed by Creed when they teamed up with disenfranchised Vietnam Vet, John James Rambo, and released footage of the bloodbath in a documentary named “Rocky IV”. This relationship with Rambo has also led to new questions regarding Rambo’s current ties to North Korea.
This story is unfolding by the minute. The Fabricator will keep you updated as new information surfaces.
Reports from the White House indicate that Stephen Miller is on the verge of being dismissed from his position of Senior Adviser to the President. President Trump found out this morning that Miller was not the same Steve Miller from the 1970’s rock band “The Steve Miller Band”. This revelation reportedly made the President irate and caused him to call a special staff meeting.
It was inside that meeting when Trump confronted Miller about the mistaken identity. Trump yelled at Miller for hours, asking him, “How the fuck could this happen? I thought that you were the person who knew how to feed the babies that don’t have enough to eat and shoe the children with no shoes on their feet.” Trump continued, “house the people living in the streets. Oh yeah, there’s a solution.”
At this point, we aren’t 100% sure what that solution is, but all indicators point to Miller being forced out of the administration. When asked for comment, Sean Spicer would only offer the following statement, “Time keeps on slipping into the future. Miller needs to go on and take the money and run. whoo hoo hoo.”
Washington D.C.- Last night Donald Trump, or as he is affectionately known inside the Beltway “President Clown Face,” delivered a speech to joint session of Congress that was specifically tailored to the malinformed, unhinged, and others who generally have a very difficult time with facts and hard statistics in objective reality. Many are saying it was a victory for Trump’s truth-impaired following of lemmings.
With enthusiastic praise for the doublespeech, Senator Rand Paul (Fascist-KY) said in a statement “ Finally, we have a President who understands that America is a nation of simpletons who want to be fed a steady stream of misinformation that comports to their narrow, black and white, preconceived, prejudiced world-view.”
W.H. Chief of Staff Reince Preibus echoed Paul’s remarks noting, “After eight long years the Republican party was finally able to put someone back in the White House who is able to reaffirm and validate the millions of people in this country that are under the strong delusion that we need to spend more money on the military, rich people need more tax break to create jobs, extremist terrorist refugees are flooding into the country, illegal immigrants commit most crimes, all news unfavorable to the President is fake and so is climate change, the Earth is flat and 5,000 years old, the moon is made of green cheese, one and one equals five, and gravity is just a liberal elitist unproven theory.”
The results of one of President Trump’s early executive orders was on full display last night as Congressional women showed up to the Presidential address adhering to their new dress code. The order reads as follows:
“Any woman, broad, floozy, hussy, spinster, hose hound, or any of the like whom decides to enter a government building should do so only in clothes that are white or off white in color. There will be no exceptions to this rule moving forward.”
The administration offered very little reasoning for this new dress code, but sources close to the President are reporting that it has to do with “Lewinsky staining”. Our source tells us, “the President sure as hell doesn’t want his cum on any of them broads’ dresses. That’s what brought Big Bill Clinton down. Those who don’t learn from history are bound to repeat it or something like that.”
We’re also receiving reports that Stephen Miller, Steve Bannon & Reince Priebus all tested the new policy on multiple women prior to the address. So far, the new wardrobe has performed admirably.
Last night, the President addressed the Congress and the American people during an hour long speech. The theme – a safer America. Trump didn’t have any problems talking the talk, largely because just moments before the speech, he already walked the walk.
(This is all actually true) Before taking to the podium, the President signed an order to rollback the controversial Obama decision to ban mentally retarded people from owning firearms. (back to not so true information) When asked why the President decided to put guns back into the hands of adults that aren’t capable of operating a car, Press Secretary Sean Spicer said, “It’s really a no-brainer. What better way to keep Americans safe then by arming as many people as possible, including the retarted?” Spicer continued, “I do want to be clear about one thing… this doesn’t include all tards. Muslim and Mexican tards still can’t be strapped.”
We reached out to Joe Roberts, a retarded American who had his gun stripped from him during the Obama administration, for comment. Roberts enthusiastically answered. “YEAH!!! Bang Bang! Buck Ofama!!! YEAH!!!”