Ben Carson Wakes from 51 Year Walking, Talking Coma

Washington D.C.- Doctors and staff at George Washington Medical Center were totally shocked today when Ben Carson suddenly snapped out of a “waking” coma that he has been in for over half a century. Dr. Chan Holsem, leading physician on the Carson case, said it was nothing short of a miracle. He went on to explain that Dr. Carson (current head of the Housing and Urban Development Department) had been in a sort of sleep walking and talking, clinical coma ever since his brain was traumatized during a knife fight that he was in at the age of fourteen in 1965. Today he suddenly woke up.

This prolonged state of deep unconsciousness explains Ben Carson’s lethargy and frequent comments that could only come from a person who is either sleeping or in a total dissociative state, which Dr. Carson was until early this afternoon. Observers who were there at the moment he came to reported that when he became responsive clinicians asked him who the President is and a ,newly animated, Ben Carson responded “Lyndon Johnson of course.” He was apparently very impressed with himself to learn that he had completed Medical School and performed countless brain surgeries while in this trance-like state.

He later became visibly shaken to learn that Donald Trump was now President of the Untied States and he then began weeping and shaking when he learned that he was actually the new head of H.U.D, cradling his head in his hands and repeating over and over again “But I’m not qualified, But I’m not qualified.” He was even more rattled when he watched recent clips of himself making comments alluding to African salves brought to the U.S. as ‘Immigrants that had to try even harder than most’. He simply shouted, “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!” and slipped back into an unresponsive state.

 

 

Trump to Launch New Reality Show

There has been plenty of fallout in the wake of the President’s Saturday morning Twitter storm, which rained unfounded accusations of government misconduct.  The reaction has been overwhelmingly negative as the 45th President’s approval ratings continue to slide.  Trump, being an opportunist, has found a way to capitalize on this self-induced disaster.

The President has been working around the clock to exploit one of the power’s of the office that he was not aware of before hearing hours of analysis on his crazy tweets: he has the ability to declassify any information that he wants.  Trump issued the following statement this morning, “We now have the remarkable ability to declassify any secrets that we would like. This is something that no other President has ever been powerful enough to do, and something that is going to be TREMENDOUS for my ratings and for the safety of the American People!”

The program will not be picked up by any traditional media outlets.  Instead, “Breitbart Television”, which is being launched in conjunction with the new show, will be streaming the show on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday from 6pm – 10pm.  The President will also do what he is calling “tweetlecast”, a live and constant feed of tweets from the President about how awesome each episode is.  The initial order is for 120 episodes.  This is going to be the President’s primary focus for the next two to three years.  Some of the early topics are set.  Here’s what we know:

 

  • Episode 1:  “Area 51 – WTF?  Aliens or Martians?”
  • Episode 2:  “Ted Cruz’s Dad DID Kill JFK!”
  • Episode 3:  “More Hidden Gold?  Fort Knox or Mar-a-lago?”
  • Episode 4:  “The Holocaust – Not as Bad as you Think”
  • Episode 5:  “Frederick Douglass – Still Alive and Doing Great Things!”

There does seem to be a renewed sense of optimism today throughout Washington, as lawmakers are confident that while this show may be detrimental to American security, it’s not quite as dangerous as a bored Donald Trump.  We hope they are right.

 

Nation’s Dumb Ideas Reserve Nearly Depleted

The strategic D.I.R. (Dumb Ideas Reserve), located in the Mojave Desert, is an emergency storage container of really stupid ideas that the Government can release for public consumption in an emergency situation. It was created early in 1981 as one of Reagan’s first policy initiatives in response to previous election of Jimmy Carter. Republicans had deep-seated fears that the American voting electorate could become too intelligent and decent for them to ever have any hope of a future victory similar to that of Reagan’s.

The underground stockpile of idiocy was built up to a level that, experts assumed, would take at least fifty years to burn through (nearly 700 million barrels of stupidity at its peak) It is maintained for use in the event that the natural flow of oafishness is interrupted for any reason. The cache has been tapped at certain key times over the last 30 or so years, most notably when public outcry lead to the removal of lead from gasoline and paint. This sparked a massive draw down from the D.I.R. resulting in widespread purchases of waterbeds, Crystal Pepsi, the Beanie Babie and Boy Band crazes, and ultimately culminating in the election of George W. Bush.

Sources have since confirmed that a full 20% the careful accumulation of brainlessness went directly to the 5 Supreme Court Justices that handed Bush the Presidency, as well and another 35% that went directly to the President himself. The level of unrefined buffoonery in the stockpile held steady for a while, but after an 8 year period of relative stability, under the Obama Administration, policy makers decided it was time for another major draw down in anticipation of the 2106 election cycle. Things got way out of hand leading to election of Donald Trump. Trump’s Presidential tweets, cabinet appointments, and media appearances have totally tapped the surplus of ineptitude that Republicans have long touted as being a vital part of our National Insecurity.

If you are concerned about the collapse of this strategic reserve and other important issues of the day be sure to like the Daily Fabricator Page and follow us on Facebook.

Jeff Sessions Linked to a Nefarious Russian Who Killed at Least One American

Attorney General Jeff Sessions spent most of last night denying claims of any wrong doing as it relates to his 2016 contacts with Russian officials.  Sessions, who was one of the first elected officials to jump on the “Trump Train”, has acknowledged a closed door meeting that he had with a Russian ambassador in 2016, just weeks after it was revealed that Russia had hacked Hilary Clinton’s email.

The Daily Fabricator has just learned that Sessions’ ties to Russia do not end there.  We have spoken to multiple sources that are reporting that Sessions spent “a lot of time in Russia back in the 1980’s.”  The source continued, “most of that time was spent with Ivan Drago.”  We have confirmed that Jeff Sessions actually served as Drago’s “cutman” (the person responsible for treating and preventing injuries to a boxer during a fight) from 1982 through 1986.  This includes Drago’s fight with American icon Apollo Creed.  Ultimately, that would be Creed’s last match as he died at the hands of the Russian.

Drago and Sessions went on make millions off of the American blood shed by Creed when they teamed up with disenfranchised Vietnam Vet, John James Rambo, and released footage of the bloodbath in a documentary named “Rocky IV”.  This relationship with Rambo has also led to new questions regarding Rambo’s current ties to North Korea.

This story is unfolding by the minute.  The Fabricator will keep you updated as new information surfaces.

 

BREAKING NEWS: Stephen Miller on Verge of Dismissal, Not the Person Trump Thought he was.

Reports from the White House indicate that Stephen Miller is on the verge of being dismissed from his position of Senior Adviser to the President.  President Trump found out this morning that Miller was not the same Steve Miller from the 1970’s rock band “The Steve Miller Band”.  This revelation reportedly made the President irate and caused him to call a special staff meeting.

It was inside that meeting when Trump confronted Miller about the mistaken identity.  Trump yelled at Miller for hours, asking him, “How the fuck could this happen?  I thought that you were the person who knew how to feed the babies that don’t have enough to eat and shoe the children with no shoes on their feet.” Trump continued, “house the people living in the streets.  Oh yeah, there’s a solution.”

At this point, we aren’t 100% sure what that solution is, but all indicators point to Miller being forced out of the administration.  When asked for comment, Sean Spicer would only offer the following statement, “Time keeps on slipping into the future.  Miller needs to go on and take the money and run.  whoo hoo hoo.”

Trump Delivers Speech Handcrafted for the Nation’s Reality-Challenged

Washington D.C.- Last night Donald Trump, or as he is affectionately known inside the Beltway “President Clown Face,” delivered a speech to joint session of Congress that was specifically tailored to the malinformed, unhinged, and others who generally have a very difficult time with facts and hard statistics in objective reality. Many are saying it was a victory for Trump’s truth-impaired following of lemmings.

With enthusiastic praise for the doublespeech, Senator Rand Paul (Fascist-KY) said in a statement “ Finally, we have a President who understands that America is a nation of simpletons who want to be fed a steady stream of misinformation that comports to their narrow, black and white, preconceived, prejudiced world-view.”

W.H. Chief of Staff Reince Preibus echoed Paul’s remarks noting, “After eight long years the Republican party was finally able to put someone back in the White House who is able to reaffirm and validate the millions of people in this country that are under the strong delusion that we need to spend more money on the military, rich people need more tax break to create jobs, extremist terrorist refugees are flooding into the country, illegal immigrants commit most crimes, all news unfavorable to the President is fake and so is climate change, the Earth is flat and 5,000 years old, the moon is made of green cheese, one and one equals five, and gravity is just a liberal elitist unproven theory.”

Group of Hear No Evil, See No Evil, Speak No Evil Monkeys Elect Tom Perez DNC Chair

A large gathering of 448 deaf, dumb, and blind Democratic National Committee members gathered at the Westin Peach Tree Plaza Hotel in Atlanta and in a stunning display of lack of self-awareness and self-reflection elected Tom Perez as their Chairman. Perez, who is both an Obama and Clinton Appointee and who has many ties with the corporate wing of the Democratic party, was voted in by a 54% margin of Democratic leaders who are apparently totally oblivious to the fact that they lost the last election, Trump is President, they control neither House of Congress, and have lost all but a third of the States. Incognizant of the fact that their ideas and strategies have lead to crushing defeats in the last four election cycles Democratic leaders decided to ”stay the course.

One of the heedless monkeys was on record as saying “Deb was great, she’s such a wonderful human being and she did really great things for the party, Tom Perez is going to have some big shoes to fill.” (Debbie Wasserman Shultz was forced to resign in disgrace after Wikileaks released a collection of Emails clearly showing that she rigged the primary in favor of Sec. Hillary Clinton over Sen. Bernie Sanders) Another nescient, inattentive primate in attendance, who was inexplicably given a vote in the contest, stated, “Clinton didn’t do anything wrong, no mistakes were made. If anything she should have given more speeches for Goldman Sachs. We can’t sit back and allow the other side to be the only party whose politicians are wholesale owned by corporations and Wall Street banks, we’ll never win again unless we act exactly Republicans.”