Ben Carson Wakes from 51 Year Walking, Talking Coma

Washington D.C.- Doctors and staff at George Washington Medical Center were totally shocked today when Ben Carson suddenly snapped out of a “waking” coma that he has been in for over half a century. Dr. Chan Holsem, leading physician on the Carson case, said it was nothing short of a miracle. He went on to explain that Dr. Carson (current head of the Housing and Urban Development Department) had been in a sort of sleep walking and talking, clinical coma ever since his brain was traumatized during a knife fight that he was in at the age of fourteen in 1965. Today he suddenly woke up.

This prolonged state of deep unconsciousness explains Ben Carson’s lethargy and frequent comments that could only come from a person who is either sleeping or in a total dissociative state, which Dr. Carson was until early this afternoon. Observers who were there at the moment he came to reported that when he became responsive clinicians asked him who the President is and a ,newly animated, Ben Carson responded “Lyndon Johnson of course.” He was apparently very impressed with himself to learn that he had completed Medical School and performed countless brain surgeries while in this trance-like state.

He later became visibly shaken to learn that Donald Trump was now President of the Untied States and he then began weeping and shaking when he learned that he was actually the new head of H.U.D, cradling his head in his hands and repeating over and over again “But I’m not qualified, But I’m not qualified.” He was even more rattled when he watched recent clips of himself making comments alluding to African salves brought to the U.S. as ‘Immigrants that had to try even harder than most’. He simply shouted, “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!” and slipped back into an unresponsive state.

 

 

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Nation’s Dumb Ideas Reserve Nearly Depleted

The strategic D.I.R. (Dumb Ideas Reserve), located in the Mojave Desert, is an emergency storage container of really stupid ideas that the Government can release for public consumption in an emergency situation. It was created early in 1981 as one of Reagan’s first policy initiatives in response to previous election of Jimmy Carter. Republicans had deep-seated fears that the American voting electorate could become too intelligent and decent for them to ever have any hope of a future victory similar to that of Reagan’s.

The underground stockpile of idiocy was built up to a level that, experts assumed, would take at least fifty years to burn through (nearly 700 million barrels of stupidity at its peak) It is maintained for use in the event that the natural flow of oafishness is interrupted for any reason. The cache has been tapped at certain key times over the last 30 or so years, most notably when public outcry lead to the removal of lead from gasoline and paint. This sparked a massive draw down from the D.I.R. resulting in widespread purchases of waterbeds, Crystal Pepsi, the Beanie Babie and Boy Band crazes, and ultimately culminating in the election of George W. Bush.

Sources have since confirmed that a full 20% the careful accumulation of brainlessness went directly to the 5 Supreme Court Justices that handed Bush the Presidency, as well and another 35% that went directly to the President himself. The level of unrefined buffoonery in the stockpile held steady for a while, but after an 8 year period of relative stability, under the Obama Administration, policy makers decided it was time for another major draw down in anticipation of the 2106 election cycle. Things got way out of hand leading to election of Donald Trump. Trump’s Presidential tweets, cabinet appointments, and media appearances have totally tapped the surplus of ineptitude that Republicans have long touted as being a vital part of our National Insecurity.

If you are concerned about the collapse of this strategic reserve and other important issues of the day be sure to like the Daily Fabricator Page and follow us on Facebook.

Jeff Sessions Linked to a Nefarious Russian Who Killed at Least One American

Attorney General Jeff Sessions spent most of last night denying claims of any wrong doing as it relates to his 2016 contacts with Russian officials.  Sessions, who was one of the first elected officials to jump on the “Trump Train”, has acknowledged a closed door meeting that he had with a Russian ambassador in 2016, just weeks after it was revealed that Russia had hacked Hilary Clinton’s email.

The Daily Fabricator has just learned that Sessions’ ties to Russia do not end there.  We have spoken to multiple sources that are reporting that Sessions spent “a lot of time in Russia back in the 1980’s.”  The source continued, “most of that time was spent with Ivan Drago.”  We have confirmed that Jeff Sessions actually served as Drago’s “cutman” (the person responsible for treating and preventing injuries to a boxer during a fight) from 1982 through 1986.  This includes Drago’s fight with American icon Apollo Creed.  Ultimately, that would be Creed’s last match as he died at the hands of the Russian.

Drago and Sessions went on make millions off of the American blood shed by Creed when they teamed up with disenfranchised Vietnam Vet, John James Rambo, and released footage of the bloodbath in a documentary named “Rocky IV”.  This relationship with Rambo has also led to new questions regarding Rambo’s current ties to North Korea.

This story is unfolding by the minute.  The Fabricator will keep you updated as new information surfaces.

 

BREAKING NEWS: Stephen Miller on Verge of Dismissal, Not the Person Trump Thought he was.

Reports from the White House indicate that Stephen Miller is on the verge of being dismissed from his position of Senior Adviser to the President.  President Trump found out this morning that Miller was not the same Steve Miller from the 1970’s rock band “The Steve Miller Band”.  This revelation reportedly made the President irate and caused him to call a special staff meeting.

It was inside that meeting when Trump confronted Miller about the mistaken identity.  Trump yelled at Miller for hours, asking him, “How the fuck could this happen?  I thought that you were the person who knew how to feed the babies that don’t have enough to eat and shoe the children with no shoes on their feet.” Trump continued, “house the people living in the streets.  Oh yeah, there’s a solution.”

At this point, we aren’t 100% sure what that solution is, but all indicators point to Miller being forced out of the administration.  When asked for comment, Sean Spicer would only offer the following statement, “Time keeps on slipping into the future.  Miller needs to go on and take the money and run.  whoo hoo hoo.”

Trump Delivers Speech Handcrafted for the Nation’s Reality-Challenged

Washington D.C.- Last night Donald Trump, or as he is affectionately known inside the Beltway “President Clown Face,” delivered a speech to joint session of Congress that was specifically tailored to the malinformed, unhinged, and others who generally have a very difficult time with facts and hard statistics in objective reality. Many are saying it was a victory for Trump’s truth-impaired following of lemmings.

With enthusiastic praise for the doublespeech, Senator Rand Paul (Fascist-KY) said in a statement “ Finally, we have a President who understands that America is a nation of simpletons who want to be fed a steady stream of misinformation that comports to their narrow, black and white, preconceived, prejudiced world-view.”

W.H. Chief of Staff Reince Preibus echoed Paul’s remarks noting, “After eight long years the Republican party was finally able to put someone back in the White House who is able to reaffirm and validate the millions of people in this country that are under the strong delusion that we need to spend more money on the military, rich people need more tax break to create jobs, extremist terrorist refugees are flooding into the country, illegal immigrants commit most crimes, all news unfavorable to the President is fake and so is climate change, the Earth is flat and 5,000 years old, the moon is made of green cheese, one and one equals five, and gravity is just a liberal elitist unproven theory.”

Congressional Women Debut New Dress Code that Aims to End “Lewinsky Stains”

The results of one of President Trump’s early executive orders was on full display last night as Congressional women showed up to the Presidential address adhering to their new dress code.  The order reads as follows:

“Any woman, broad, floozy, hussy, spinster, hose hound, or any of the like whom decides to enter a government building should do so only in clothes that are white or off white in color.  There will be no exceptions to this rule moving forward.”

The administration offered very little reasoning for this new dress code, but sources close to the President are reporting that it has to do with “Lewinsky staining”.  Our source tells us, “the President sure as hell doesn’t want his cum on any of them broads’ dresses.  That’s what brought Big Bill Clinton down.  Those who don’t learn from history are bound to repeat it or something like that.”

We’re also receiving reports that Stephen Miller, Steve Bannon & Reince Priebus all tested the new policy on multiple women prior to the address.  So far, the new wardrobe has performed admirably.

 

Trump Touts Safer Cities – Signs Retard Gun Bill

Last night, the President addressed the Congress and the American people during an hour long speech.  The theme – a safer America.  Trump didn’t have any problems talking the talk, largely because just moments before the speech, he already walked the walk.

(This is all actually true) Before taking to the podium, the President signed an order to rollback the controversial Obama decision to ban mentally retarded people from owning firearms.  (back to not so true information)  When asked why the President decided to put guns back into the hands of adults that aren’t capable of operating a car, Press Secretary Sean Spicer said, “It’s really a no-brainer.  What better way to keep Americans safe then by arming as many people as possible, including the retarted?” Spicer continued, “I do want to be clear about one thing… this doesn’t include all tards.  Muslim and Mexican tards still can’t be strapped.”

We reached out to Joe Roberts, a retarded American who had his gun stripped from him during the Obama administration, for comment.  Roberts enthusiastically answered.  “YEAH!!!  Bang Bang!  Buck Ofama!!!  YEAH!!!”