Washington D.C.- Doctors and staff at George Washington Medical Center were totally shocked today when Ben Carson suddenly snapped out of a “waking” coma that he has been in for over half a century. Dr. Chan Holsem, leading physician on the Carson case, said it was nothing short of a miracle. He went on to explain that Dr. Carson (current head of the Housing and Urban Development Department) had been in a sort of sleep walking and talking, clinical coma ever since his brain was traumatized during a knife fight that he was in at the age of fourteen in 1965. Today he suddenly woke up.
This prolonged state of deep unconsciousness explains Ben Carson’s lethargy and frequent comments that could only come from a person who is either sleeping or in a total dissociative state, which Dr. Carson was until early this afternoon. Observers who were there at the moment he came to reported that when he became responsive clinicians asked him who the President is and a ,newly animated, Ben Carson responded “Lyndon Johnson of course.” He was apparently very impressed with himself to learn that he had completed Medical School and performed countless brain surgeries while in this trance-like state.
He later became visibly shaken to learn that Donald Trump was now President of the Untied States and he then began weeping and shaking when he learned that he was actually the new head of H.U.D, cradling his head in his hands and repeating over and over again “But I’m not qualified, But I’m not qualified.” He was even more rattled when he watched recent clips of himself making comments alluding to African salves brought to the U.S. as ‘Immigrants that had to try even harder than most’. He simply shouted, “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!” and slipped back into an unresponsive state.
The strategic D.I.R. (Dumb Ideas Reserve), located in the Mojave Desert, is an emergency storage container of really stupid ideas that the Government can release for public consumption in an emergency situation. It was created early in 1981 as one of Reagan’s first policy initiatives in response to previous election of Jimmy Carter. Republicans had deep-seated fears that the American voting electorate could become too intelligent and decent for them to ever have any hope of a future victory similar to that of Reagan’s.
The underground stockpile of idiocy was built up to a level that, experts assumed, would take at least fifty years to burn through (nearly 700 million barrels of stupidity at its peak) It is maintained for use in the event that the natural flow of oafishness is interrupted for any reason. The cache has been tapped at certain key times over the last 30 or so years, most notably when public outcry lead to the removal of lead from gasoline and paint. This sparked a massive draw down from the D.I.R. resulting in widespread purchases of waterbeds, Crystal Pepsi, the Beanie Babie and Boy Band crazes, and ultimately culminating in the election of George W. Bush.
Sources have since confirmed that a full 20% the careful accumulation of brainlessness went directly to the 5 Supreme Court Justices that handed Bush the Presidency, as well and another 35% that went directly to the President himself. The level of unrefined buffoonery in the stockpile held steady for a while, but after an 8 year period of relative stability, under the Obama Administration, policy makers decided it was time for another major draw down in anticipation of the 2106 election cycle. Things got way out of hand leading to election of Donald Trump. Trump’s Presidential tweets, cabinet appointments, and media appearances have totally tapped the surplus of ineptitude that Republicans have long touted as being a vital part of our National Insecurity.
If you are concerned about the collapse of this strategic reserve and other important issues of the day be sure to like the Daily Fabricator Page and follow us on Facebook.
Washington D.C.- Last night Donald Trump, or as he is affectionately known inside the Beltway “President Clown Face,” delivered a speech to joint session of Congress that was specifically tailored to the malinformed, unhinged, and others who generally have a very difficult time with facts and hard statistics in objective reality. Many are saying it was a victory for Trump’s truth-impaired following of lemmings.
With enthusiastic praise for the doublespeech, Senator Rand Paul (Fascist-KY) said in a statement “ Finally, we have a President who understands that America is a nation of simpletons who want to be fed a steady stream of misinformation that comports to their narrow, black and white, preconceived, prejudiced world-view.”
W.H. Chief of Staff Reince Preibus echoed Paul’s remarks noting, “After eight long years the Republican party was finally able to put someone back in the White House who is able to reaffirm and validate the millions of people in this country that are under the strong delusion that we need to spend more money on the military, rich people need more tax break to create jobs, extremist terrorist refugees are flooding into the country, illegal immigrants commit most crimes, all news unfavorable to the President is fake and so is climate change, the Earth is flat and 5,000 years old, the moon is made of green cheese, one and one equals five, and gravity is just a liberal elitist unproven theory.”
A large gathering of 448 deaf, dumb, and blind Democratic National Committee members gathered at the Westin Peach Tree Plaza Hotel in Atlanta and in a stunning display of lack of self-awareness and self-reflection elected Tom Perez as their Chairman. Perez, who is both an Obama and Clinton Appointee and who has many ties with the corporate wing of the Democratic party, was voted in by a 54% margin of Democratic leaders who are apparently totally oblivious to the fact that they lost the last election, Trump is President, they control neither House of Congress, and have lost all but a third of the States. Incognizant of the fact that their ideas and strategies have lead to crushing defeats in the last four election cycles Democratic leaders decided to ”stay the course.
One of the heedless monkeys was on record as saying “Deb was great, she’s such a wonderful human being and she did really great things for the party, Tom Perez is going to have some big shoes to fill.” (Debbie Wasserman Shultz was forced to resign in disgrace after Wikileaks released a collection of Emails clearly showing that she rigged the primary in favor of Sec. Hillary Clinton over Sen. Bernie Sanders) Another nescient, inattentive primate in attendance, who was inexplicably given a vote in the contest, stated, “Clinton didn’t do anything wrong, no mistakes were made. If anything she should have given more speeches for Goldman Sachs. We can’t sit back and allow the other side to be the only party whose politicians are wholesale owned by corporations and Wall Street banks, we’ll never win again unless we act exactly Republicans.”
At 4:07 A.M. (Eastern Standard Time) President Trump tweeted out, “Gonna give a big speech today for the suckers at CPAC, then gonna get my easy D gaggled by some reporters.” The Twitter rant continued, “Everyone one is going to get a turn at my easy D, it’s the biglyest, there’s no problem there, let me tell you nobody knows better than me ” The Twitter storm continued, “Everyone gets a turn except fake news #CNN and #FailingNewYorkTimes, they give terrible gaggle and everyone knows it”
Sources close to the actual CNN and New York Times reporters assigned to cover the CPAC event initially decried their exclusion from the press gaggle (assuming it was going to be an informal briefing by the White House Press Secretary which is on the record, but disallows videography) as an affront to the first amendment, which guarantees freedom of the press. After reading Trump’s tweets from early in the morning the CNN and Times reporters privately expressed tremendous relief as a result of being barred from the event.
Breaking News out of Palm Beach, Florida where authorities have confirmed that radio personality Rush Limbaugh was found dead in his broadcasting studio after he suffered a shattered skull as result of excessive internal pressure. According witnesses, and those listening to the broadcast at the time, he had just come upon a USA Today Article detailing a C-SPAN Poll of historians who ranked Barrack Obama as the 12th best President in U.S. History.
As he read the title of the article aloud one of his long time producers noticed his eyes began twitching uncontrollably. He began the rant that followed by saying “Well this is just a case of Obama getting everything he wants because he’s black and he gets all the perks of black privilege. We all know he’s stocked all the historians with NAACP fanatics. “ As his volume increased his neck and head began to swell to roughly double its already double size. “Notice how this liberal propagandist poll doesn’t even include President Jefferson Davis at all, when anyone who listens to this show knows Davis was on the most genius human beings to ever live, next to Steve Bannon, and he didn’t even make the list.”
He then reached into a sugar bowl, grabbed a handful of oxycodone and hydrocodone pills and swallowed them down between sentences. He continued, “If this were a real poll done by real historians who knew what the hell they were talking about Ronald Reagan would have easily been numbers 1-15, they would have mentioned at least some of the white Presidents (The Daily Fabricator has confirmed that all of the other Presidents on the list are or were white) ”
By this point one of Limbaugh’s eyeballs had already popped out his head and the empty socket was making a whistling sound causing feed back interference in his sound equipment. His final words were “He’s only been in office a month and already Mein Fuhrer Trump…” As he was speaking them, uncontainable building tension caused the violent detonation of his entire cranium. Funeral arrangements are currently being made and sources have confirmed that a local piano moving company was contacted to assist with pall bearing.
In a statement Wednesday Counselor to the President, and Joseph Goebbels disciple, Kellyanne Conway reported that President Trump is set to give an address to a joint session of Congress demanding that they approve a $370 trillion dollar infrastructure bill to build a wall in outer space encompassing the entire Earth. She went on to explain, “Space is a very dangerous place and we all know there are some very dangerous people flooding into the planet, I mean look what just happened on the International Space Station and the media won’t even report on it, they cut the feed.”
Trump held a rally in the ruins of Gatlinburg Tennessee Tuesday evening speaking to a large mass of what appeared to be zombies. (Sources later confirmed that they were merely angry, ash-covered local trailer park residents) He shouted to the crowd ,“look around you look what they’ve done here, do you really think this whole area would have been scorched with fire if it weren’t for all the very, very bad people flooding in from Space? Look what happened here, look what happened to New Orleans when the space hombres decided to flood the whole place, look what just happened last night on the moon! It was a total blood bath, a massacre, and the fake news isn’t telling you about it.”
Stephen Miller, top White House Fellatio Specialist, was later asked by reporters for clarifying comments, as there has yet to be a single documented attack from outer space in recorded human history, responded by saying “the President is 100% completely right about everything he has ever said since he was a baby in his mother’s womb. How dare you question leader. He’s the smartest human being who has ever lived and he knows things about space and the people in space that nobody else does. He is going to build the wall in Space and on the Mexican border. We are going to be double safe and that is exactly what people voted for.”