Trump Denies Hand Alteration Surgery

The following account comes from a member of the Associated Press who was granted access to cabinet meetings today.  

Donald Trump had a new swagger this afternoon as he strolled the halls of the White House, waiting for his lineup of post lunch cable news’ round-tables.  The President has never been one lacking in confidence, but today, he looks especially sure of himself.  As he reaches for the television remote it becomes clear why he his holding his head so high.  His once puny hands are now massive and powerful paws.

Sean Spicer is the first to take notice.  “Wow!  Look at those fucking hands.  Holy shit, you must be thrilled!” Spicer is elated.  Trump is not amused.  “Shut your fucking trap Spicer.  My hands have always been this big.  You’re just too fucking stupid to notice.”  Stephen Miller quickly jumps sides with the President.  “God damn Spicer.  You’ve never noticed those long fingers that seem to never end?” Miller continues, “Or those big massive bear paws that strike fear in Mr. Trump’s political foes?  You really are as stupid as you look.”  Miller begins snickering like a child while constantly glancing at Trump for reassurance.

The team spends the next 15 minutes playing “Paper, Rock, Scissors”.  It appears to be the first time Trump has played.  He pays no attention to the universal truths of the classic game.  Such as “rock” beats “scissors” and “paper” beats “rock”.  For most of us, there isn’t any room for interpretation in these rules.  Trump isn’t most of us.  “What do you mean paper beats rock?  Look at how little that rock is compared to this piece of poster board (referring to his hand which is pressed flat on the table).”

After the game, Trump prepares for his afternoon “Pussy-Grabbing Session”, a daily routine in this White House.  Kellyanne Conway enters the room.  She’s immediately stopped in her tracks as she notices the President’s new grabbing apparatuses.  “Fucking-A, Pres!  You’re not going to grab my puss with those meat slabs, are you?”  Again, Trump is defiant and insists that his hand have always been this massive.  “They’re the same tremendous hands that grab your pussy everyday.”

As the pussy-grabbing begins, the room begins to clear out.  “We leave him alone during his pussy-grabbing hour,” explains Steve Bannon.  “It’s a major stress reliever for him.  After all, he’s got the whole world in his hands.”



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