Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R- Wis.) in a joint press conference with President Trump announced from the Rose Garden at the White House the roll out of their plan to replace the Affordable Health Care Act (A.C.A.) with a new legislative proposal called the Faith Healing Act (F.H.A.) a.k.a. Trump Care. Trump joking with a group of confused reporters said, “I know you probably thought FHA stood for fabulous hair awesome, cause it’s true I do have fabulous hair, people love it,” but then later stated “it’s the new health care law I guess, at least that’s what they told me.”
Trump assured the American people that they were “going to love it, it’s the best, everyone will be healed, probably instantly.” He went on to say “it’s totally free and very simple, not thousands of pages of pages like Obamacare nobody could understand it so many words, with the new law you just show up to certain churches, make a contribution to my 2020 campaign fund and you will be healed by God. I love miracles!”
Ryan, who is considered the Republican party’s conscience and top intellectual, was pressed for more specific policies contained in the proposal. When asked what would happen should the miraculous healings fail to manifest and cure serious illnesses such as diabetes, heart disease and cancer, he replied “it’s all there in the three page bill, we’ve thought very seriously about this and have been working on it for the last 7 years. I don’t see how anything could go wrong with the healings, but just in case we’ve provided a back up. The churches would be encouraged to hold a bake sale for old-fashioned, more traditional treatments like chemotherapy and pharmaceutical drugs.
Ryan went on to explain the measure would eliminate the “onerous ban on lifetime caps, unpopular subsidies to help low-income people buy health insurance, and the dangerous provision that allows dependents to stay on their parent’s policies up to the age of 26.” Trumpcare would also roll back the Medicaid expansion and instead every citizen would receive a Faith Healing Kit containing a civil war era tourniquet, two aspirins, a jar of fresh leeches, and a small piece of walrus tusk.