Happy Valentine’s Day, USA – Let’s Make America Straight Again!

The offices’ of The President and The Vice President have issued a Valentine for the entire country this morning.  It’s message – “Make America Straight Again”.  The card was sent out to over 150 million Americans via email, accompanied by this text:

Dear Americans,

Happy Valentine’s Day!  What a tremendous day for us to explore love, and more importantly, our sexuality.  This year, we want all of our constituents to have fun, but PLEASE refrain from any kind of gayness.  Today marks the official start of our newest campaign, “Make America Straight Again”!  We all know that the queerification of this country was a major policy of the Obama administration.  BAD DEAL!  We plan on repealing and replacing gayness with good ole’ fashioned man-on-woman loving.

You might be wondering, “What’s acceptable?”  We’ve included a cheat sheet:

  • Tossing of the Salad (Female as tosser ONLY)
  • Woman’s butt = fair game, Man’s butt = OUT OF BOUNDS!
  • It’s okay to receive a handy from a guy, BUT NOT TO GIVE ONE (that would be gay)
  • It’s acceptable, in an effort to curtail gay urges, to fantasize about a dude, UP UNTIL THE POINT OF CLIMAX.  At that point, you have to start thinking about a gal again.

Again, have fun and be safe!

Thanks,
Pres & VP

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