Trump’s Unorthodox Leadership has ISIS in State of Mass Confusion

President Donald Trump doesn’t like Muslims terrorists, especially brown ones.  He has made it very clear that one of the top priorities of this administration is to stomp out ISIS’ influence in the Middle East.  No small task – at least, that’s what we thought.

In just two weeks in office, Trump has done more to slow down the terrorist organization than the previous administration did during two entire terms.  Now, ISIS leader, Al Rabi Iliwaway has ordered a complete, albeit temporary, cease fire so ISIS can reevaluate their strategy in fighting the West.  Ilawaway released an audio recording explaining this shocking shift in strategy.

“Fellow Jihadis, I order you all to halt in the advancement of our cause.  It seems that, for now, we aren’t really needed in the Holy war against the West.”  Sounds promising… at first.  Then Ilwaway begins to elaborate on why he’s called for the cease fire.  “Our goals have always consisted of the following principles:

  1. Terrify the western, free world by causing perceived danger at any moment.
  2. Spread hate towards America within the Muslim community.
  3. Cause chaos in as many American governmental institutions as possible.

That’s all we’ve ever worked for… those three defining principles.  I thought that we were pretty good at it, too.”  Ilwaway pauses during the audio tape, as if he’s fighting back a storm of emotion.  “I thought we were good, until Trump came along.  Holy fuck shits!  This guy is GREAT!  There is no need for us to continue fighting.”

The next part of the tape is where things get really interesting.  We’ve reached out to the White House for confirmation, but haven’t received a response.  According to Ilwaway, he has spoke to President Trump and they have made arrangements for a “Trump Rally” in Syria.  In Ilwaway’s words, “I know you are all disappointed because we won’t be beheading anyone for the foreseeable future.  I’m here to tell you to cheer up!  I’ve arranged for Trump to come here and lead a rally where he will behead one of his betrayers!  How exciting is this?  I mean c’mon, he’s like the biggest TV and Twitter star in the world!!!”  He then outlines the details, “So, you don’t want to miss this live event, but if you can’t in to Syria due to recent travel restrictions, no worries, Fox News has agreed to broadcast the event live!”

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